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 The Xironiaz (finished, needs to be approved)

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Sayo/9Th Doctor
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PostSubject: Re: The Xironiaz (finished, needs to be approved)   Sat Aug 02, 2014 9:12 pm

Hunny, Just a heads-up for any unfinished creations in the future: Please put WIP (work in progress) or Unfinished in the title so we know, I almost went through a whole list of things you missed until I read the last bit you put on here lol.

It's not a rule or anything, but it helps us when we go looking through it okay?

-Tyra
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Sayo/9Th Doctor
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PostSubject: Re: The Xironiaz (finished, needs to be approved)   Sat Aug 02, 2014 9:15 pm

Anytime hun, just helpin out the newbie Smile

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PostSubject: Re: The Xironiaz (finished, needs to be approved)   Mon Aug 04, 2014 1:28 pm

Alright, I've read through it and I need to point these things out before it can be approved:

One: They have wings on their back and have been given the nickname 'Fairy' due to their appearance. - Describe the wings, are they fairy-like wings, such as the ones in Earth fairy tales? Or are they like bird wings? Do they have color? Can they fly with them? - If they have been given the nickname, who named them? Was it humans? Is this in the future of Humanity that they know of the stars and of aliens? Or was it another species?

Two: Since they are so small(the world and moons are small), - The planet and the moons around it are small, that much I get, but how much smaller? Is it half the size of Earth? Or the size of Earth's moon? Give us a scale so we have an idea of how big their planet/moons are please.

Three: they do not allow many big people on their world and moons. - If they don't allow many 'big' people, what ones do they allow? Royalty? Diplomats? Or perhaps they just have a limit of Large People on at one time? Give us a bit more in that area please.

Four: All the moon's air is breathable and they have tribes - Does each Moon have their own tribe? If so, what seperates their actions from each of the others? Does each one have their own 'god'? Or do they simply view life differently? Details are important in all of this.

Five: They have (somewhat) a democracy - How is it 'Somewhat' a democracy? What is different from our view on the subject?

Six: They live twice as long as humans - How long do they live? There are various lengths that people believe humans live, it can be between 80 to 90 years, give us an approxamate age they live up to. (Ex. they can live up to 160, give or take a few years)

Seven: They aren't as advanced as earth but they have some technology. They have mirrors and watches and (waterfly)lamps. They stay away from most technology due to it being extremely addictive. - This is understandable, but there are a couple things I'd like to point out and have you add detail to. What is a 'Waterfly lamp'? If they don't have all of Earth's tech, what do they have instead? Don't just say what they don't have or what they have in common, give them their own tech that they use. Perhaps they use natural things around them to make life easier, perhaps their cars are like flintstones, or do they even have cars? Anything that they would use in their everyday life is tech and worth a mention.

Eight: Not much is known of their past. But the 1st queen allowed an interview. She said that there was a great war lasting for so long. No one remembers how it was started. But the war raged until few of the Xironiaz were left. They knew that if they kept fighting their race would die out. A small girl offered a solution. They would split up into their moons according to their beliefs. The neutrals would be on the planet. Her idea was so great, they made her queen, due to her great decisions. She married a man and he was made king. And that's how their people resolved everything. - This whole area is in shades of grey to be honest. It gives detail, but not enough to really go on. Why was the war started? What was it over? How long did it last and how many were left to settle the problems? Who was the small girl? Who was this man she married, was she older at the time she married him, or was it simply while she was a child? We need details in this area as much as we do in the others.

Nine: Today, they are a thriving empire. Their goal is to name every star and planet properly. They want to explore. Most of the time, people are going on with their jobs and such, curious about everything. - How are they a thriving empire? Do they succeed in most they try? What advances have they made since the 'great war'? Why is their goal to name each star when they all have names already? If they want to explore, why do they go about their lives like normal without going and doing anything? Do they have spaceships? Do they travel? We get they are curious, but why? Do they just want to understand why, or do they want to know exactly how it works?

If you fix these things up that I've mentioned, I'll look through it again and see if anything else needs fixing. if not, it will be approved, but until these problems are gone, you will have to wait until approval is given to use them.

-Tyra
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PostSubject: Re: The Xironiaz (finished, needs to be approved)   Tue Aug 05, 2014 10:28 pm

How do they use the geysers as heaters? How did they come across these "oxygen bubble" things? Are they a natural ability or technology? Because if they are technology, it would require electricity and that goes against their principles.

Also, the back story is extremely lacking a grey. For example, these religions that the great war started over. Why would they have a war just because there are four different religions? Was there something that happened? This queen, who was she before 40? What did she do? How did she become entangled in the politics of the planet? Is the king important enough for a name or no? What about her name? How many queens have there been? How long as this civilization been around?

Keep in mind, if you give a set number of years the civilization has been around, you will need to account for their history over that time period. Details, details, details. They are extremely important in the application process and are key to its approval. I would very much like it if you were able to think outside of just answering the questions we have given you. Instead, use these questions as a base to expand the detail of your creatures even more. Start there and expand. Not just answer the question, via one sentence, and nothing more.

I suggest checking out previous Alien Creation applications for ideas on how well detailed this needs to be. For example: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] , [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].
Any questions/concerns just feel free to ask

~10th Doctor
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