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 Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?

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PrincessMuk
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PostSubject: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Wed Aug 12, 2015 11:51 pm

I HAVE NO IMAGE

Marie Harkness

Species: Human
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Occupation: Pastry shop and traveling with the Doctor
Status: Regular citezen of France.


::Appearance::
Hair: Long, brown
Eyes: Blue (use of contacts)
Height: 5''2
Figure: Typical French girl, small feet and a little bigger hips than most people
Other: N/A
Clothing: Usually causually. Green jeggings and a light blue shirt. Apron when working. Cap when working. Red formal gown at parties. Hair is usually down or in a ponytail.

::Info::
Family: Jack Harkness is grand father, mum moved to france and met dad, kept mum's last name. Mum died when Marie was 5 and she moved out when she was 18 into an apartment.
Personality: Bubbly at times, mostly serious, loves the Doctor so much, free spirited, confident, french, weird, hard working, determined, loner (for the most part), sweet, but she holds grudges.
Strengths: Can cook, hack, dance, and fly the TARDIS as of later in the fanfic
Weakness: Keeps losing the Doctor, bad social skills, gets freaked out by regeneration.
Likes: Pastries, dad, comics, the Doctor, POTATOES!!!!
Dislikes: Ex-boyfriends, cheese, the number 16 (16th of January her mum died)
Dream: To marry David Tennet To own a nation wide pastry business

History: Marie started out as a normal girl, she was a french who was fluent in english and loved sci-fi and fantasy. She ready every JRR Toleken book there is! She grew up with her father since her mother died when she was young, and she loved to read her grandfather's, Jack Harkness, comics (he made them so he would remember all of the adventures he had) and she loved this one comic that she would read over and over. This man, The Doctor, they called him, was so witty, so intelligent, and so, um... For a lack of better words, cute! She developed a crush on this fictional man. But one day, after coming home from her self-run pastry store, she spotted a Police Phone Box. She was 21 now, and she was a little excited. But she knew that he was too late... Her childhood dreams were over now. "This girl may have more secrets than anyone I've ever known... She's dangerous, and I like it." -The 10th Doctor

I came across the website when I searched Doctor Who RP on Google.

STORY:

The Doctor is stuck under a flickering streetlamp, you are on the opposite side of the street. It's midnight, no moon or stars, the only lights around are the lamp the Doctor is under, and the light in front of a closed store you stand under.

The only way to the Doctor is to cross the dark street, easy, right? Wrong. This planet is well-known for being infested with Vashta Nerada. Any shadow anywhere could be infested with them. You have a small pack on your back with several items in it that you could use to get to him.
A carrot
The Doctor's Sonic screwdriver
A chicken leg
A flashlight
Book of matches
A rubber duck
a raincoat


RESPONSE

Marie was quick on her feet, she used the flashlight batteries earlier, oops! She threw the rubber duck behind her as she ran towards the doctor. She throws the sonic screw driver to the doctor.
"Catch!" She says as she runs under the store light.
"I'm almost there!"
Marie lights the matches and throws them in from of her before she steps, each time getting closer to the Doctor.
When she finally reaches him, she hugs him tight and asks him if he has a plan. Which, he probably wont. But, hey, they always make it.


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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 1:35 pm

Whoo, okay. We've got an adventure here. And I'd like to start by saying that you're really mostly being judged this harshly because of the implied and stated interactions with canon characters.

First things first, you DO need a picture. So I'll have to ask you to find one.

I'm just going to start a bullet point list here, actually:

- "French" isn't a body type? Could you elaborate on what you mean by French?

- Not a huge deal, but you do say that her eyes are blue with the help of contacts, so could you let us know what her actual eye color is?

- Again, "French" isn't a personality trait. Please elaborate.

- There are some conflicts, such as "free spirted" and "bubbly" but "mostly serious", and while I'm not saying that you can't have this conflict, I just want to know where the line is drawn between these traits. We want to know how they act around other people, and in this instance the little few word phrases aren't really cutting it.

- Your history shows no reason for her to have developed any sort of "hacking" skills, and she certainly has NO reason to be able to fly the TARDIS. I would ask you to take out both - especially the TARDIS bit - but I think you could keep hacking if you had an explanation as to why a pastry chef bothered to learn that? Or when they did at all?

- "Keeps losing the Doctor" and "gets freaked out by regeneration" aren't weaknesses. Most people can operate on their own without the Doctor there - and if she can't we're going to need some serious reasoning behind that, because that's pretty intense. Also, regeneration barely comes up, and when it does, being scared isn't really a big uh... weakness?? I suppose it could make sense, but either way, its rarely relevant, and we're going to want to know more. Mostly interaction-wise. 

-For someone who, apparently, flew with 10 for a while, your history is severely lacking. It's not quite... unallowed to have a history with a Doctor, but it is VITAL that you tell us what happened. If she stopped, why she stopped, why they started in the first place, where they went, their relationship. Give us details, because someone else is getting stuck with the other end of this history, and they need to know what they, apparently, were getting into. We have nothing, right now. 

-Apparently, the 10th Doctor says you've got secrets. We need to know these secrets. As admins, we're sort of an all-seeing eye. It's important we know what's going on.

-Your RP sample isn't horrible, but it doesn't make sense. Without context, at the beginning of the post, it looks as if she's running straight into the shadows - which I still think she is? - and surely she would be devoured. The post is sort of all over the place, and would confuse the Doctor you're roleplaying with. Perhaps clear it up a bit, how she's managing to get across at all?

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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:30 pm

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Marie Harkness

Species: Human
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Occupation: Pastry shop and traveling with the Doctor
Status: Regular citezen of France.


::Appearance::
Hair: Long, brown
Eyes: Blue (enhanced by contacts)
Height: 5''2
Figure: skinnyish, small feet and a little bigger hips than most people
Other: N/A
Clothing: Usually causually. Green jeggings and a light blue shirt. Apron when working. Cap when working. Red formal gown at parties. Hair is usually down or in a ponytail.

::Info::
Family: Jack Harkness is grand father, mum moved to france and met dad, kept mum's last name. Mum died when Marie was 5 and she moved out when she was 18 into an apartment.
Personality: Usually bubbly, but she can be as serious as the 11th doctor when thretened, loves the Doctor so much, free spirited, confident, weird, hard working, determined, loner (for the most part), sweet, but she holds grudges.
Strengths: Can cook, hack because of stupid summer camp she went to when she was 7 (Stupid because she didn't like computers at the time), dance, and write in her free time.
Weakness: Tricked easily, bad social skills, does NOT like the TARDIS.(She only goes on it because the Doctor is on it)
Likes: Pastries, dad, comics, the Doctor, POTATOES!!!!
Dislikes: Ex-boyfriends, cheese, the number 16 (16th of January her mum died)
Dream: To marry David Tennet To own a nation wide pastry business


History: Marie started out as a normal girl, she was a french who was fluent in english and loved sci-fi and fantasy. She ready every JRR Toleken book there is! She grew up with her father since her mother died when she was young, and she loved to read her grandfather's, Jack Harkness, comics (he made them so he would remember all of the adventures he had) and she loved this one comic that she would read over and over. This man, The Doctor, they called him, was so witty, so intelligent, and so, um... For a lack of better words, cute! She developed a crush on this fictional man. But one day, after coming home from her self-run pastry store, she spotted a Police Phone Box. She was 21 now, and she was a little excited. But she knew that he was too late... Her childhood dreams were over now. She eventually went with the doctor after long consideration, and they went to ancient Egypt. She then realized that she HATED the TARDIS and she did not ever want to go in it again. But, if the doctor was there, she was there. She always went with him, even when she told herself not to. Then one day, she got tricked into going back home and if she ever sees the doctor again, she is gonna SLAP HIM. "This girl may have more secrets than anyone I've ever known... She's dangerous, and I like it." -The 10th Doctor
(Those secrets are: Here mum isn't dead, she saved a Dalek from death, she loves the doctor, she secretly hacked the TARDIS to go to a certain place in time and space so she could see the doctor again right before he tricked her, (She just knew somehow) and many more...)

I came across the website when I searched Doctor Who RP on Google.


STORY:

The Doctor is stuck under a flickering streetlamp, you are on the opposite side of the street. It's midnight, no moon or stars, the only lights around are the lamp the Doctor is under, and the light in front of a closed store you stand under.

The only way to the Doctor is to cross the dark street, easy, right? Wrong. This planet is well-known for being infested with Vashta Nerada. Any shadow anywhere could be infested with them. You have a small pack on your back with several items in it that you could use to get to him.
A carrot
The Doctor's Sonic screwdriver
A chicken leg
A flashlight
Book of matches
A rubber duck
a raincoat


RESPONSE

Marie was quick on her feet, she ran towards the store and tries to turn on the flashlight. No use, she used the flashlight batteries earlier, oops! She threw the rubber duck behind her as she ran towards the doctor. She threw the sonic screw driver to the doctor.
"Catch!" She said as she ran under the store light.
"I'm almost there!" She continued as the little creatrues started biting. "Ow!"
Marie lit the rest of the matches and threws them at the creatures, then in front of her before she steps, each time getting closer to the Doctor.
When she finally reached him, she hugged him tight and asked him if he had a plan. Which, he probably wont. But, hey, they always make it.

Hope this is better, as you saw, I posted this at like 12:00 am so I was just really tired.
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:31 pm

Wait, where did my pic go? Hmmmmm....[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:36 pm

It wont let me post the picture.
f i l e : / / / U s e r s / k i d s / D e s k t o p / 1 7 1 1 5 9 9 5 8 . j p g
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:48 pm

Okay so. As far as uploading pictures goes, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to post photos for a while, as a new member. Some forumotion setting thing. You can make the picture your avatar though. Scroll up, there's a profile link. You can find the tab from there. 

(And anyway, that's not a valid link, as it's to something on your computer, so you'd have to upload it somewhere first, anyway.)

Onto the writing though.

The hacking is a big issue. For one, what summer camp teaches hacking? You need to explain. Especially since you want to say that she's hacked the TARDIS, which is unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. She's a human kid who makes pastries, who kinda sorta learned hacking at some weird summer camp apparently. Plus, the TARDIS is alive. No way her skills stretch that far - no one's skills stretch that far. I would recommend removing this bit entirely, as it doesn't seem to be relevant to the character's progression anyway.

Also how did she save a Dalek from death??? You really need to elaborate on this stuff. You're saying she's done some pretty big things, and you aren't giving any context that makes them even slightly possible.

And I'd harp on your secrets, because I don't know WHY they're secrets, but I suppose that doesn't matter so much. 

Also something I realized I should ask, do you intend to be immortal? Because I know you haven't stated it, but I'm slightly concerned it's something you're thinking about. Because logically speaking, being related to Jack wouldn't give you that power. And I wanted to check up on that in case that was the case or something.

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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 7:30 pm

I am not planning on being immortal. It's not genetic, so it doen't run in the family. Even if it did, it would probably just give her a little bit longer life. (That's not what I'm doing, but if I was I would do about 105 or something)
She saves a dalek from death in another dalek assylum where a dalek is about to be killed for treason to the dalek leader, (for helping the doctor) and the doctor is okay with it because it's a dalek (all the dalek did was not tell where the doctor was but the doctor suspects it was so the dalek could have him all to himself or something). But Marie isn't, so she steals the dalek from the assylum the night before he gets "exterminated" and she almost dies. She sets the dalek free to do um... Dalek stuff...
Her dad was an art theif (not a very good one though) and he tried to get her into bad guy, stealing stuff but she wouldn't have it. She said it was mean, and she doesn't like her dad. ( She was 7 years old at the time) And, it was more of a summer course thing, (Like homeschooling) that her dad was trying to do. I shouldn't of said summer camp.
she has her secrets because she's uncomftorble talking about them. That's what secrets are for.
Im making the pic my profile now.
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 8:34 pm

I'm just curious. Is all of this supposed history with the Doctors (which I might add are canon people, who are played by people on this site who have a say in what's happened) something you wrote in a fanfic or off another site?

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All things are possible. They might not happen, or might not happen the way we wanted them to happen, but they are possible. All possibilities depend on the choices we make...some close doors and some open them. And every once in a great while, we get a restart...a chance to change the past or the future. And even if we shouldn't, we get that chance to make the decision again. - Bad Wolf
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:39 pm

I'm sorry to say a lot of this is still unacceptable and extremely contradictory. And I sincerely apologize for some of the things I'm about to say that I haven't yet mentioned, because there is so much here to sift through that I forgot about it.

First of all, "dad" is a part of her likes. You literally already said she likes her dad. So all of the sudden, she hates him?

Secondly, the training of a lousy art thief - that could most likely show her to hack security systems of Earth at best - would not prepare someone for hacking a TARDIS. In fact, unless the Doctor trained her himself, she could be unable. And if you were to push it to the point where he's done that for you, you're falling WAY too far into Mary Sue territory for us to tend to allow. Again, I think this is something you have to scratch, besides maybe some Earth level hacking skills. 

Also, freeing the Dalek would have to be scratched for multiple reasons. One, being that for some reason there is another asylum of Daleks, which we can infer there is not, at the multiple instances in which it is referred to as "THE asylum of the Daleks", and it is illogical to assume they'd need more than that entire planet to house Daleks. Secondly, I sincerely doubt she'd be able to sneak away from the Doctor, let out a Dalek in a Dalek homeworld (which on its own is pretty much impossible), and get back to the TARDIS or onto her life without his aid. It was very clear he did not condone this, and one would assume he did not help her, either. Not to mention he probably wouldn't take her being gone for the time to do that very well. 


Really, a lot of your time with the Doctor is problematic. As Meta pointed out, this is quite a load of work and backstory to dump on someone else. It's more or less godmodding, and while certain small things could fly, a lot of others could not. I personally suggest playing her from a point before she'd personally met the Doctor, so that you could fill in these sorts of details later on properly with the respective roleplayers. Unless you're going to get the written consent of the roleplayers hopping on board this story, I'm going to ask you to back her up a bit.

I really don't like telling people they have to change their characters this much, but on a site built like this one, writing in canons into backstories before you've even begun is extremely problematic, and the in-depth level you're speaking here is pretty much unacceptable.

Side note about the RP sample that I forgot to mention previously, it's still illogical. Why are the Vashta Nerada only nipping at her? It's pretty much shown they like to make short work of their meals, and unless you mean she accidentally got a toe or arm chunk devoured and needs immediate medical attention, you have some work to do. 


Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure this is the site for you. I'm not turning you down completely, and you are still free to make corrections. I'm just afraid that after these corrections, your character won't be the character you wanted to play. I'm sorry to say that they just weren't fit for this site.

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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:00 am

Sorry this is my first time roleplaying but I love writing so much!
I really just wanted to make a character who grew up reading comics about the doctor, then met him one day (kinda like Amy) *but she was different than amy because she didn't actually meet him* and she was mad at him but then she went on an adventure. Then, when it got to adding more details, well, Jack was the first person I could think of who wouldn't be super horrible to have as a relative, and I wanted her to be french, and I guess she didn't really hack the TARDIS, just I dunno, maybe trick the doctor into putting in certain co-ords or something, I'm not the best at character making. I think I might have to write a story about her first before I can tell you who she is... I really just create my characters mostly in-story so this is kinda new to me. So maybe this site is for me, and maybe it's not. It's okay though, I'll come back in a few weeks or months or so if I have made a GOOD character. Also, I had no idea what the vashta nerda were and I still barely know. Ooops! Bad writing on my part.
I might just create a new character entirely, and think about it more before I jump into it.
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:02 am

If I did still do the comic thing though, maybe next-door neighbor to someone? I don't know :/
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:07 am

Honestly, I think you should focus on working on creating your character BEFORE she meets one of the Doctors. Then you can develop your character and your character will have new adventures with a Doctor, she can meet a Doctor on this site for the very first time and it can be a new experience for her that you can roleplay. There are some active Doctors here that you would be able to roleplay with.

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All things are possible. They might not happen, or might not happen the way we wanted them to happen, but they are possible. All possibilities depend on the choices we make...some close doors and some open them. And every once in a great while, we get a restart...a chance to change the past or the future. And even if we shouldn't, we get that chance to make the decision again. - Bad Wolf
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PostSubject: Re: Jack Harkness has a GRANDDAUGHTER?   Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:23 am

Yeah, that would make more sense. Sorry, I just was soooo excited. Embarassed
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