Hymn to the Fallen

Mal could only whimper and clutch onto the Doctor's jumper so tightly her knuckles turned white. Her brain wasn't functioning, there was so much blame she wanted to vocalize but she couldn't piece the proper sentences together. She heard him, of course she did, but what she really wanted to hear him say was how much he hated her. She did try to kill him and so many others, not to mention she successfully murdered countless amount of beings. She needed the hatred and bitterness. That's what she deserved. It was selfish to cling onto him now like she had always done and try to seep the comfort from him. It wasn't fair of her and yet she had no strength to deny herself of it. Selfish, selfish, girl.

"How...?" It was the only word she could push through but once that little bit was pushed past it felt like the floodgates had opened. "How did this happen? How is it not my fault? How do I fix it? How do you ever expect me to come to terms with it? How, Doctor? How? Tell me how to do any of this! How do you not blame me or hate me or want me dead? How could you possibly try to make it better when it will never get that way? Your smile and joy aren't going to work this time, Doc, it's gone too far. I'll just waste away and rot like I should. People are.. still dying out there.. it's because of me. How can I stop it? I don't feel my bloody legs.. I don't want to go out there even if I could.. so tell me how I've really changed if I just let them all die? My boy will be motherless forever because I'm just not... I'm not good enough and I never will be, he's much better where I left him. And my Doctor? Could have been out gallivanting about but he can't.. he's nothing, not any more because I stripped him down of all his pride and glory and let him live in the dungeons of my horrid, horrid palace. And Robin I-... You... "

Breathing was hard, it came it pants she felt she couldn't quite pull in if she kept talking so she stopped. Mal just sat there breathing before weakly pushing against the Doctor as if trying to push him away though the gesture could easily be misread considering her hand was still tangled in his shirt. She couldn't look at them, couldn't have them look into her face, so she dropped her head and cursed the fact her hair was in a bun. She should let it out and have her hair hide all of her shame.

Robin wiped her tears, reaching out with her other hand to hold onto Mal's. Poor woman, everything she's gone through with that bloody terrible... thing. If the Doctor wasn't going to kill it, she was. She would murder that thing in the most violent, horrific way possible. Then again, that would make her no better than the bug. Looking up at the Doctor, she nodded silently, getting to her feet and looking down at the crumpled form of the woman. 'Yeah, come on Mal, go on a trip for old time's sake? Eh?' She asked quietly to keep her voice from cracking, nudging her gently before crouching down next to her once more. 'Hey, you. Come on, can't sit there forever, can you? Gotta get up and keep going, yeah? Oh come on, Mal, don't do this...' She pleaded, eyes brimming with tears again. What was she crying for? She didn't need to be hurt, she needed to be strong right now. She needed to help Mal before it was too late and she was off shooting herself for real. Oh god, that thought did not help at all.

"Yes, I can. I can just sit here... and sleep. Sleep possibly forever." Mal's mutters were barely audible since she had turned her face into the Doctor's chest. Well, more like his neck but she wasn't paying much attention and didn't care much to. Why was he suggesting a trip anyway? Well, he wasn't one to deal with this, was he? Maybe she was hitting too close to home for him except he did what he did to save people while Mal was a heartless killer who wanted power. No, he better not compare himself to her filth since he was far greater being than she.

"Fine." Was all she said to agree to the trip. Mal had only changed her mind because she figured the Doctor wanted her out of his hair and who was she to deny him that? But what he suggested was Robin and her go some place, wasn't he? The brown haired girl was hardly convinced she would be able to sit one on one with the redhead without bursting into flames from the horrific thoughts and guilt and regret. Well, maybe that was something she was going to have to endure.

Robin followed the pair down the hallway, going rather slow and letting the Doctor take the lead. He seamed to know what he was doing then, right? It didn't matter where he was taking them or what he planned on doing - as long as it at least cheered Mal up a little bit, she'd feel better. The simple sight of the crumpled woman was, well, heartbreaking. A moment later, she realized the other two must be in the console room because the corridor began to shake, tossing her into the wall next to her. Bloody hell, man, you can't wait 30 seconds for me to walk in there?! She yelped, trying to steady herself on the wall as best as she could without anything to grip. If this wasn't such a bad situation she'd already be in there shouting his head off. Grumbling under her breath as the shaking stopped, she dashed back into the control room and tried to keep her mouth shut about that one. When Mal was gone and she was through with him, he wouldn't have an ear anymore. Not that he needed both of them, one was big enough to compensate for the other. Crossing her arms, she glared at him silently from the back of the room, letting him continue to take the lead.

Mal just went where she was being lead, almost loving the fact she was being told what to do and where to go, it was almost sickening. She didn't feel like making choices, like helping herself or calling the shots. Nah, why would she after where that had led her? So she sat obediently in the jump seat right up until the point the Doctor had come to collect her again. Mal couldn't stop the loud sigh as she forced herself to drag her feet towards the door.

He was doing that thing again... pretending everything was fine or was going to be fine. He had on his smiles and cheer and joy that Mal had always been able to see through. He wasn't happy, how could he be? Maybe she should just be thankful he's trying.. but she herself didn't want to forget. It would be too kind to forget.

When the door opened she looked outside and instantly grabbed onto the door frame for support. "Wh-... why did you take us here?" Her throat felt tight and restrictive, denying her the simple right to talk properly. She didn't know if she felt outraged or touched by the destination of choice. But what she did know was this wouldn't be as easy as his apology trip. Hell, he never had to apologize but he did and they moved on and everything was fine. But now? This time? No, a simple trip to a stupid planet that glowed would not make everything better, it wouldn't. However, Mal would let him hope and believe that it would so she clenched her jaw tight to the point of pain before stepping outside without another word.

She simply walked, staring at the yellow shine when her feet brushed across the grass as she had done all those years ago... though this time she didn't view it with fascination and bewilderment. No, this time her eyes were dull and she felt she hated this place and everything it represented. Mal had been innocent here... she didn't belong in a place that reminded her of the good days.

Robin sighed quietly, leaving the TARDIS before the Doctor dematerialized. Whatever made him think she could comfort Mal, she had no idea. She was terrible with words. Looking around, she realized she couldn't even enjoy the beauty of this place. The overhanging cloud of despair was nearly suffocating. Her eyes landed on the broken woman as her feet dragged her closer, not even sure what she could do to help her. Honestly, she didn't think she could do anything. '... I forgive you, you know..' She murmured, looking down at her feet. 'I know it wasn't your fault and I forgive you...'

((... I tried))

Mal looked towards the Doctor and blinked at him blankly. Relax? How could she relax? Her body was coiled up tight and her mind buzzed at a thousand beats her second, not letting up it's assault in her mind. There were too many things there to pick it out but she was sure the noise wouldn't let her sleep.

His words cut into her like a blade. He was so sad and this was Mal's fault. If only things had been different.. if only she had listened to him instead of running and pushing him aside. How could she be so foolish to think she could do any of this alone? But of course he would blame himself, he always did. She sighed right along with the time lord and allowed him to hug her, leaning into him for those brief moments before he was walking away and gone. What was he planning? Probably went off to clean up her mess.

Mal glanced back at Robin as she approached and said the words she would expect to feel comforting but instead they meant nothing. Weren't they just trying to make her feel better? Oh well, she should say something. "Yeah... thanks. I should have tried harder.. but thanks. Come on, I wanna go somewhere."

Her feet started moving without waiting for an answer. The familiar path was winding and the glowing grass gave way to fallen leaves as they crunched through the illuminated forest. She just wanted to go to the pond and stare into it, find answers or visions that would lead her some place else. Maybe she should be careful what she wished for.

((Sonya's making me reply first.. I dunno what's going on x_x))

Robin sighed, a frown creasing her features as she crossed her arms and followed after the woman. She had no words she could say to comfort her, nothing she could do that would make any of this better. Not a single thing to come out of her mouth would ever be helpful, she'd just continue thinking that she did all that. That she was to blame because that creature invaded her head and took over the world. Could she not see that it wasn't her? She had to be blind not to notice what they were trying to do for her. To be perfectly honest, it was breaking her heart to see her shatter. Her feet dragged her along behind silently, barely noting anything going on around her with all her thinking.

((Just roll with it, yo))

Mal kept walking, touching the bark and skimming her hands over plants that are too tall. This path was familiar, so bloody familiar and she took it for what it was worth now. She just wanted the water ahead of them, wanted to see the crystalline purity as the fire in the sky burned within the liquid illusion. With a heavy breath, she pushed aside the last of the brush, stepping on the stones beneath and clumsily making her way to the edge.

Crouching, she stared within the water for a long while. At first she watched the light show from the mirrored surface... but soon she found herself staring at her reflection. How very sick she looked, not in her smooth features but in those deadened eyes. It caused her to draw in a sharp breath and blow it out with weariness.

"Do you know how many I killed?"

Robin sighed quietly, watching Mal as they reached the water's edge. It was so beautiful. It was such a pity they couldn't enjoy it. She was trailed off in her thoughts, watching her friend's reflection in the smooth mirror. That was the face of someone broken and torn, and it did not belong on her. Her question caused her to perk up, looking at the woman instead of her copy in the water. Oh gosh, did she have to? Of all the things she could be thinking about... Although she didn't blame her, after everything that just happened. 'Mal...' She sighed, moving closer to her poor friend. 'Look. I know you don't want to feel like you're the worst person in the world, and but I know that no matter what I try to tell you, no matter how many times I try and tell you that it isn't your fault and that you couldn't have done a thing, you're only going to insist that you're a monster. You did not kill anyone. That blasted parasite did.' She tried to keep her tone even, unable to look into her eyes to see what had become of her. '... How many, then? If you're so intent on saying you did..'

"I don't know." Mal stated and started to laugh. It wasn't the usual, it was abnormal and sickening; the dark melody was bitter, humourless, and dry. It didn't last long and she soon sobered from it, regaining that same saddened expression while she continued staring in the pond. "Isn't that sad? I have no idea. But does it really matter? It would have just been a number anyway, I didn't bother thinking about them as individual people with lives, loved ones, goals, aspirations... I do remember some and- no, I don't want to talk about it. Vinny was one though. He was my best friend.."

((shorter sorry >__<))

Robin's heart sunk at the name. Vinny. As in Vincent? That creepy purple thing that had assisted in her own death? What had she done to the poor man? She was afraid to ask, but at the same time, her curiosity was getting the best of her. Now that she thought about it, she wasn't even sure if she meant she befriended an alien and killed him or if she mutated some human. '... Is he alright? I mean, did he make it? I'm sure he could manage to have some sort of life.. eh?' She nudged her gently, eyes not bothering to look over at the woman. This was Mal. Mal, for Pete's sake! Whoever Pete was - that was besides the point. The first time she'd met her, she was bursting with life - sure, she was terrified of every little thing but once she opened up to it a bit, it was... Well, it was like magic. And now it was all gone. There was no magic to it anymore, only darkness. It broke her heart. Lifting her head just a little, she sighed quietly at the reflection she saw of her poor friend. A rustling behind her broke her focus, and she turned to see what it was before remembering a certain someone who was missing from this pity party.

"He made it, yes, I made sure he did. Y'know, the day the meteor crashed... anyone still alive was changed. All of them. I knew that so went an' got 'em 'cuz I know that would benefit me. So stupid, all those years I thought Torchwood was after me an' all along they weren't, not in the sense I dreaded. Torchwood was my doing. Vincent was the first boy I really like. His ability was frightenin' which is why I still fancied him, hm? When we got back to Torchwood I... I enhanced it and he became that- that monster. I made him a monster. I made everyone a monster. Including myself."

Mal had picked up a smooth rock, eyes unseeingly stuck on her reflection as she rolled it around in her palm. It was funny that she could here her mum's voice in her head, it had been so damn long since she even thought about that old hag. 'What the hell are you doing sulking about? That never got nothin' done. Shut up and go do somethin' about it, you whiner.'

Maybe she shouldn't pity herself so much... was it pity? No, it was something harsher, crueller, but she elected to keep it nameless. She needed to wash it all away, not that she deserved that. Winding her arm back she threw the stone in the water, watching her reflection break and shimmer as the waves expanded and disturbed the rest of the clear pond. It faintly registered in her mind someone was coming though she just assumed it was the Doctor.

I wonder what he's done with the army..