Tolerated (From Sonya's first Journals)

Earth Date: May 14

I've been practicing Earth time, it's weird to use such a singular line to mark off dates. I never through it would be so difficult to learn either. It's so simple, that it's hard. Mother told me it would be best to practice with a journal, something to learn with while she teaches me.

I keep asking when I'll be allowed to go to the academy, but she never tells me when. Only 'soon' always soon, but never now. I heard her and Father talking again last night, he sounded angry, but I couldn't hear what about.

Earth Date: May 17

More medical tests. My left arm is sore from the medicines Mother put in today. She says it's because I get so sick, but I never feel sick. I only feel like that after my tests. Father came in to watch today, he said she was doing too much too fast, but she only ignored him and kept putting more in.

I feel like Father doesn't like it when Mother tests me like this. It's like he wants to say something, but it wouldn't end well so stays silent instead.

Earth Date: May 21

Just me today, Mother and father went out before I woke up. All I had was a bowl of fruit and a note from them reminding me not to go outside.

They say it's because I'll catch something in the air, but I think they don't want me to get lost in the tall, red grasses that surround our home. From the note they won't be home until dark, I think I will go outside and lay on the ground to watch the clouds and silver leaves shine in the light.

-Later-

I fell asleep while outside. I'm lucky my window is on the bottom floor. I was able to climb through before they got too close to the house. I do have a leaf though, It must have landed in my hair while sleeping. They never found out and I feel fine. I didn't get sick at all.

Earth Date: May 28

I'm in trouble now, Mother found out I've been sneaking outside at night. Now I'm being punished and have to sleep in the small room next to her lab. The door is locked at night and only a small window too high and too narrow to slip through. Now when they leave, I have to stay in here until they get back, at least I have a restroom. Plenty of water.

Earth Date: June 3

Still in the room, Father brought me food for dinner last night and told me why they had been going out so often. I'll have a little brother soon! Finally someone to play with and care for. I can't wait until he gets here, I wonder what his name will be.

Earth Date: June 11

His name is Koechi, well, his family name is. Father told me not to write his real name down in here in case someone else gets ahold of it. He has blue eyes like me and his smile is beautiful. Mother and Father waited an extra year to gather him than the other parents normally do though. so instead of an infant, I have a toddler for a brother.

When Mother brought him home, they let me hold him. he is only three to my twenty-four years. Father gathered some of my toys from his age and laid them out to let him play. His favorite so far are the color changer blocks. We sat there stacking them for hours before Mother laid him down for a nap before dinner. Tomorrow she begins testing again, I dread waking up in the morning.
(Age is doubled compared to Human age. 3=1.5 years, 24=12)

Earth Date: October 15

It has been four Earth years since I have last written. I have been too tired, too sore and too sick to do anything but lie in bed in my little room while not strapped to the lab table or in my Mother's mist chamber.

I have come to the realization Mother only tests me. Koechi lives above the lab in my old room, he plays outside, brings other children over and is allowed to leave and stay at their family homes.

I've been allowed upstairs only three times while Koechi's friends have been over and only one of them bothered talking to me. I never got his name though, my brother always rushed him back to his room. his eyes were kind though, I remember that.

Earth Date: October 19

Another test the other day, this one was different tough. Mother placed me in the mist chamber like I expected her to, only instead of the yellow mist, this one was purple. I couldn't breathe it in without choking. When I hit the glass to tell her no more, she only switched the color back to yellow. Then once I could breathe without coughing again, she filled it with the purple one again. This went on for nearly and hour until father finally caught her and demanded she let me out. All day yesterday I couldn't even move. Everything in my body hurt, even both hearts throbbed painfully. I imagine this would be what it feels like to regenerate, I do not know what was in that gas... But I dread encountering it again.

Earth Date: October 20

A break today while Mother and Father go to the Council. An official arrived early this morning to summon them. while I am allowed out of the room while they are gone now, they have already warned Koechi to notify them if I leave the house.

So while he plays outside with his friend, I sit in the comfortable chairs in our living room. Letting the aches and pains ease ever so slightly into the form-fit materal. I know I will be in trouble for it somehow when Mother gets home, but for now I relax and enjoy the peace of the home being empty.

Earth Date: November 9

Everyone is gone. Not even Koechi to keep an eye out. My door is unlocked as well as the front door. If they are planning on testing me, I plan to fail. I want to smell the wind and feel the red grasses against my skin again. I do not know if I will return.

Earth Date: December 3

I return to the house and find they didn't even care I had been gone for so long. When I walked through the door, they were all eating together. Once they noticed I was standing there, Father got up and placed a plate in front of my old chair and without a word lead me to it. But when I sat down, he rubbed my hair like he did when I was Koechi's age.

I don't know why, but this makes me nervous.

Earth Date: December 4

Mother explained everything. In short:

They let me leave to explore and enjoy. they didn't know if I would come home.

I am an experiment to them, nothing more. They plan on doing something that will 'split' my mind. I don't know what that means, but it frightens me.

When they had been summoned, the Council found out they had been doing something to me and had not allowed me to enter the academy.

Now the council knows, they have to speed things up before they find out. Apparently what they plan hasn't been approved.

I don't know what they want to do, but I know it will hurt. I just feel it. How long this will take, I do not know, but it will be horrible.

Earth Date: April 20

I will never forgive them. What they have done to me is the greatest of offences. If the other one was awake, she would agree.

Earth Date: May 13

We both are confined to this room now. We aren't allowed out to eat with the family, I doubt even Koechi knows what they have done. Father brings food to us when it's time to eat. Mother comes for testing, we ache as one person, our minds are the same, so there is no need for words. She hurts, I hurt. I feel fire, so does she. We are the same person, in two bodies. Why must we endure this?

Earth Date: May 24

She is gone, the other half. They took her away and even now I cannot hear the thoughts that I had grown accustomed to over the past month. Whatever they had done, she is gone from me. One thing over all these years that is good, they take it away. Once again I am alone in the room. Mother has something planned for me. Wherever she is, the other me, I envy her.

Earth Date: June 14

Father came last night. I pretended to sleep while he sat beside my bed and spoke. There is a war coming to our planet, something awful we had never experienced before.

He and Mother offered a weapon. Something powerful that would keep the enemies at bay. He didn't have to explain it, I know Mother plans to use me somehow.

Earth Date: June 26

I was right. I am the weapon. Already I feel different, stronger somehow as if I can run through the wooden door that locks me in this room. Tomorrow Mother plans to finish the testing and injections. I will finally be complete again.

I have plans, many plans when she is finished. And she will regret playing with me like this.

I have decided Sonya, my chosen name, or the name they gave me no longer fits who I have become. I am the Nightmare Child. The darkest part of who I am come forward. I will become her nightmare.

-Earth Date: June 28-

Sonya is gone, to where, I do not know. Being her Father, I have a compelling feeling to finish this for her.

I warned her Mother against this, the day we received the small, unwanted child. She saw only potential to further her own name rather than a child to raise. I am at fault as much as she. I never stopped her, but I come away with a clear conscious knowing I played no part in it either. A small victory.

Sonya received the final stages of injections yesterday, and upon waking from the hibernative state she had been placed in, destroyed her Mother. This creature, no longer my Daughter, then looked to me, smiled, and vanished into the air.

Lord President Rassilon assured me it was for the best, to let her have free reign. Then when the threat lessens, he will gather her up, erase all memories like he had with the other half, then send her to a planet where there was no threat of her remembering anything. I curse myself for what we had done. An empty victory will never pay the price for my shattered morality.

End Journal

This next part is from Sonya's life while on Earth. (Not AU Earth.) It starts off with her being a child again.

To explain why she is a child again and why it wasn't in any of the last entries: When Rassilon caught her during a moment between Nightmare Child and Sonya, he forced regeneration AFTER taking her memories of being on Gallifrey, resulting in her biology rewriting itself to explain the lack of memories. She couldn't very well be a 20 some odd year old wandering around without a single thought of what she had done in the past. Amnesia could explain it, but she knew basic information on top of it all. Her name, age (Human age), the fact she had been abandoned in the middle of a small town.

January 23

It's been two years since I've been sent to my new home from the orphanage I had stayed in for a few months.Momma and Papi gave me a journal to write in considering the fact that I don't talk to any of the children at school. I don't really see the point in it to be honest. They're all so dull, always talking about toys and birthday parties. Just once I'd like to meet someone to talk to about space, or the stars. Papi tells me I have a history with each star in the sky, but I have no idea what he's talking about. He's just being Papi I suppose.

Momma told me this weekend she plans on teaching me how to make bread from scratch. Last weekend she taught me how to can fruit and vegitables, so I'm hoping we'll get to eat what we make this time. I read somewhere that to make rasien bread we have to flatten it all out and sprinkle the top with cinnamon and raisens before rolling it back up into a log so it can bake. Maybe I can get her to do that instead of just normal bread.

January 30

It's my birthday! I am now officially eight years old. Papi bought me a telescope to use on clear nights, and just in time too. Tomorrow there's going to be a meteorshower and we're making a big picknick to eat outside while it happens. Momma bought me a book on the planets and baked me a birthday cake, chocolate with homemade fudge icing. Just when I blew the candles out, Papi brought out his second present too, a whole tub of ice cream in my favorite flavor- Strawberry.

I don't remember much from my first family, but the only thing I can think of is I'm glad I have Momma and Papi now. I can't imagine life without them even after only being with them for two years.

Febuary 8

We went to the city today, I think it was London, I didn't pay too much attention when Momma told me where we were after getting off of the train. The only thing I can think of to describe it though is big. It was big, the buildings were so tall I thought the clouds could wrap around the tops of them. And the clock, the clock was huge. Papi said it was called Big Ben and that everyone in the city set their time by that one clock for hundreds of years.

The first thing we did while in the city was go to a restraunt where we were seated at a table near the window, then they set a basket of bread and butter on the table for us while we waited to give them our orders. I don't think Momma liked the bread, it did taste a bit bland after always eating our homemade bread at home.

After that, we went shopping. I needed new clothes anyway after all of the ones I had grew too small over the past month, my ankles clearly showed at the bottom of my pants and my shirts were all a bit too tight around my shoulders.

After that, we just went from store to store, picked up little things here and there then went to see some of the things around the city before heading back to the train and going back home. As soon as we got inside, the first thing Momma did was go to the kitchen and slice us all some bread to eat. I think she was still upset over the bread we got at the restraunt, I don't know, but the nuts in it and the milk she gave me to wash it down filled me right up. Time for bed now, I'm too sleepy to even change out of my clothes.

Febuary 14

Valentines day.

Papi and Momma went out for a nice dinner, after I argued with them for nearly an hour over them going or not. I gave them my cards and presents, and they gave me theirs. I just wanted them to have a good time and some romantic dinner tonight. I have my telly, snacks and books to keep me occupied. And once the sun sets, I'll take out my telescope and look at the stars until they get home. I'm not sure how late they'll be out, but I'm sure I will be awake when they get back, after all of the chocolate they gave me.

I'm sure Momma will be telling me tomorrow I'll be going to the dentist here in a few days after she realizes I've eaten all of my candy already. I think it'll be worth it after tasting them, I'll just brush my teeth twice as much before bed to make sure nothing sticks to them.

Febuary 20

Momma's birthday! She won't tell me her age, but Papi told me she swears she is perpetually 25, so I think she's close to 30 or so. I got to bake her cake all by myself, and make the icing too. Papi helped me decorate it, for a few minutes before I chased him out of the kitchen for eating almost all of the icing anyway.

He bought Momma a necklace, the same one I saw him get while we were in London. I wondered why he wanted to be sneaky about it, but I didn't say anything because he put his finger to his lips when he saw me looking. Now I know why he wanted it to be a secret. And momma's face when she opened the box, I don't think I've ever seen her cry over anything like this before. She held it up so I could see and I saw why Papi got it for her, the jewel that hung from the chain was the exact color of her eyes. A pretty sea-green color with little speckles of gold mixed in.

All I had for Momma was a small little ring I had found while digging with papi for our new garden. He told me it was gold and the stone in it was called a Garnet, after I washed it off and showed it to him he said it must have been there for a while because the metal was tarnished and everything. So I saved it for Momma, I don't wear rings, they make my fingers feel too heavy.

March 15

We move tomorrow, the bank told Momma and Papi that since they couldn't pay the taxes on the land, we would have to go somewhere else. But they told me it's alright because Papi's father left him his land only twenty miles away. I'll still go to the same school, I'll only be in the country instead of town. Fine by me, they said there's plenty of trees around and lots to do out there that we couldn't do in town. Like have bonfires and cookouts. The house is two stories and my room takes up the whole top floor, Momma's and Papi's is gonna be downstairs. There's even a little porch I can walk out on and watch the stars at night without having to go downstairs!

November 13

Wow! I completely forgot about this thing, it must have been tossed into the bottom of one of the boxes I had packed that night and got put into my closet once I finished unpacking everything I needed for my room.

Well, I suppose I should catch up here and say what all happened in case I go reading through this one day, so I'll start with when we moved in.

As soon as we got to the house, we all went inside before even unpacking anything to see how it looked. And to be honest, it needed a very good deep cleaning before we even bothered unpacking anything. Anything but our cleaning stuff anyway, cobwebs were everywhere, every single corner and dust! I couldn't walk anywhere without it coming up in clouds or leaving behind a trail of footprints.

First thing Papi did was to go and open every single window in the house. Some of them were stuck or locked with rusty locks, but we managed to finally get it done. Counting each room, there were 15 on the bottom floor. Five in the living room, three in the kitchen, One in the bathroom, Four in Momma and Papi's room and two in the dining room.

My room, well I should say my floor, has four windows itself. One big bay window across from my bed. Another big bay window across from my door with a window seat built in the wall below it. And two smaller windows on each side of my bed. Now Momma and I have curtains put up on them, pretty gold and red ones she helped me make. The window with the seat has a sheer cloth I can drop down over the window with a pattern of stars on it so when the moon is full and shines right in the window it leaves a really cool shadow on my walls.

It took us nearly two whole days to clean the whole house, Papi ended up getting us pizza for dinner those nights because we all were much too tired to cook anything, so we had what he called a 'powwow' in the living room on the floor. Without the telly hooked up or anything of ours unpacked save a few outfits and our beds, we ended up entertaining eachother with shadowpuppets and stories of what we encountered while cleaning.

Once everything was sparkly clean, we began moving everything in, it was hard getting all of my stuff up all of those stairs, especially since I failed to mention to Papi I put all of my books in my steamer trunk rather than in different boxes. I didn't think he'd try to pick it up on his own, and by the time I realized what he was doing, it was too late.

Now, months later, we've all settled in nicely, everything is put in its place as well as new things added in like furnature and various other things to fill the space.

November 20

Thanksgiving.

Momma and I spent the whole day cooking while Papi went outside and worked on his new garden. He says by the time spring thaw hits we'll be able to plant corn, potatos, beans and other stuff too. I have my own garden on the other side of the house, I already have the seed packets picked out and put up in my room for when we're ready to plant. Watermelon, green, red and yellow peppers, strawberries and pumpkins for later in the year.

Once we all sat down to eat, I think Momma realized we cooked a lot of food for just three of us. A whole turkey, a smoked ham, two boats of gravy, nearly ten cobs of corn, plus lots of other sides like mashed potatoes, peas and of course: Cranberry sauce. By the time we were stuffed to the point of pain, there was so much food left over, Momma had Papi take some of it outside for the stray cats that like to hang around the house. Even after he did, there were so many leftovers our refrigerator was stuffed full of food. We couldn't even find a place to fit one grape if we wanted to.

December 10

Christmas is coming up, and I've come up with the perfect present for Momma and Papi this year. A few weeks ago, Papi and I came across an old painting easel in a garage sale. After seeing me stare at it nearly the entire time we were at the sale, Papi bought it for me then took me to town so we could get some canvasess and paint.

So now, I decided to paint a picture for them, it's of this planet I've dreampt about now and again with two suns and red grass. The trees were weird, like they were on fire, but the leaves were just reflecting the light. I decided to use tin foil to make the leaves properly, because there is no way I can paint the way they reflect light the way I saw it in my dream. The only thing I can hope is they like it and they don't see it before Christmas.

December 27

Christmas is over by now, And I'm still finding little bits of wrapping paper in the living room.

Momma and Papi liked my painting, I think anyway. They had this weird look on their faces when they first saw it, then it just vanished and they were estatic over it. I still can't shake that look they had though, it was so strange. Like they weren't exactly frightened, but there was a little fear there before they looked at me.

Anyway, I got some new clothes and Momma made me a new blanket for my bed. This one is midnight blue with patches from my favorite clothes that didn't fit me anymore. That way I'll always have a piece of my memories, Momma said. Though with my journal, there is no way I'll ever forget this. Papi bought me more paint and a stack of books he found while in town one day. I still haven't gone through all of them yet. But from what I've seen so far, they all have several things in common about them.

One: They're all history books. Not vague history either, specific parts of history.
Two: There's parts in them highlighted, I haven't read those parts yet, but each book has at least a page or two with highlighter in it.
Three: They all had the same owner.

I smell something interesting beginning to form, and I can't wait to figure it out.

January 30

My birthday again! Nine years old this time, and more presents. Papi gave me a new journal to fill once I finish this one, a good thing considering I only have a few pages left. I don't think they thought I would write so much when they gave it to me. It is pretty thin. And he gave me a new bike too.

Momma gave me some more seeds for my garden when it warms up some more, a pair of new shoes and her famous chocolate cake with fudge icing.

Afterwards, they took me outside and laid out a blanket so we could lay down and watch the stars for a while. We ended up having to go inside only ten or so minutes later when it started snowing on us.

Febuary 13

Last page in this journal, tomorrow I plan on writing in my new one once I get the chance. Not much happened today other than Papi and I went outside to break up the ground so it won't be so hard when spring hits. I can't wait until we can plant these seeds. I have twenty different seed packets tucked away in my dresser just waiting until I can get them into the ground and watch them grow.

-End Journal-