Haunted Inside

Subject: Haunted Inside Tue Jan 13, 2015 3:27 pm

I hear voices, the voices of the past, echoing echoing, taunting me with their carelessness for the turmoil that is going through my mind at this moment. The pain is harsh, burning me, burning me from the inside out, refusing to give me any sort of relief from it's incessant sting. I claw my way to the surface, my face breaking through the water and giving me a view of a burning planet far above where I float. Screams, cries, begging voices pleading for mercy as a creature of nightmare chases them down one by one, devouring them with relish, it's cold, red eyes not once showing a flicker of remorse.

'That's not me...'

I stand on the edge of a cliff, the sounds of water far below me, running feet coming from the forest behind me. I had to run, i had to run run, so far, yet they caught me anyway. A struggle, inner battle to decide if I should leap from the ledge they have me backed against. Yes, jump, to fly, to land in the water and never surface to see the horrors again. A voice, male, coaxing me to turn and face them. Fear written in their faces, their actions. Yes, they fear me, for good reason. I am the nightmare they chased down, in the guise of a young girl. Fear me now, hide me away, lock all of my essence behind a door that should never be opened. Fear me, fear me.

'No, no. I didn't want them to be so scared!'

So much pain, the other girl, the other one, she would have been accepted. Why, why now must I be punished for my parent's wrongdoing? I wanted nothing of this, yet I am the one to be erased, backed out of history and left a blank space. She lives far away, too far, too far to know who she is, to ever get the chance to know. I... I will grow, I will search and I will return, stronger, much stronger than before to make you see the mistake you had made. I will make you see it with my own hands, you will regret, regret.

'That's not me!'

That face, the face of a battle-worn man. It had to be him, anyone else would have shied away from my very presence. Smile, smile at him as he teaches, leads, befriends me. A creature, a subject for testing. He wanted to be near, to smile and laugh, no fear, no fear in his eyes, in his movements. He touches without flinching, he helps. Heals, appropriate for a man like him, yes, a friend, my friend, helpful whenever I need it. Red eyes hidden carefully behind blue, yes, watch and wait, wait for him to become too comfortable, then show myself. Yes, I hunger even now. So hungry.

'That's not me! Can't you see that?'

Shame, why should I feel shame? What I've done is all in justice. The girl, carrying my name, my collar. She reserves a special spot in my life, doesn't anyone realize this? Even while weak I had a spot for her, it is natural to carry it over into this mind. She is mine to guard, my name ensures that. She needs to hate them, to back away from them before she's taken away. I make this happen, I want her to rely on me alone, I need her to need me. A small portion of myself clings to this link, giving me a semblance of sanity.

'No No! I didn't do that!'

He took her, he took what was mine to guard, leaving me with nothing, nothing anymore. Fury radiates from my very core, hearts beating in tandem with the turn of the universe, in time with the worlds that live and die. Each breath echoing galaxies that flare out of existence. Betrayal to the core, it burns, burns hotter than Gallifrey burned. Red eyes sting with an unwanted emotion, I don't want this! Give her back to me!

'What have I done?'

Death, I welcome it, yes. I need this to atone for what I've done. So many... So many dead or destroyed, please, press the button, save yourself. Save the face I grew to care for, the face I trust more than my own. Save me from hating myself, no don't look like that, don't give me empty promises! I don't want them, I don't want your words, I want your expressions, I want your agreement. Send me away, let me burn, let me burn brightly.

'Am I dead?'

Eyes blinking, power shifting, energy exploding, a new face, body, voice. A test on myself, like mother like daughter, always a test subject, even to myself now. I survive yet again. How long can I go this time, how much longer before I give myself up for him again? What face will it be next time? Younger? Older? Who will it be that tears away my own self-preservation and make me want to die yet again? I give everything, everything for him, for those thoughts simply because I have nothing of myself anymore to save.

'I think I still might be.'

I wander, lost, without purpose. Where is he? My anchor, where is my very essence? I feel broken, empty, a shell of who I was. What is wrong? Why do I feel so confused, something is gone from me, what did I loose? What am I missing? Something broke away from my very being somewhere along the way, it broke away from the cracked shell I am. What could it have been? How can I miss something I didn't realize was there until it was gone?

'Why am I so wrong?'

I'm drowning, drowning in my own confusion. My eyes hold emotion forced forward, read and recognized from others around me. I've forgotten what it's like to have my own emotion. Calculations, yes, I calculate. Energy covers the dead tone of my voice, forced, childish almost. It works as a distraction, they do not notice I'm still dead. They can never find out, never know. I do not want them to know something is broken.

'Who I am I anymore?'

'Looming tall over the hill
A figure of black standing still
Scythe in hand
He studies the land

Searching, seeking
Never speaking
For the one without a light
A figure so slight

Empty eyes gaze into black
Empty hands gone slack
Hollow words whispered soft
Hollow soul carried aloft

A whisper of wind
With nothing to find
The Figure gone
Carried away by the dawn.'

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