((It's hard to watch your first successful character go... but here is the fic that explains her MIA status. Good-bye, Mal, and may fortune find your broken soul))
Sitting against the dank brick wall of the alley, Mal kept herself huddled and had her head bowed to prevent recognition if anyone decided to wonder the sparsely populated path. There wasn't much she'd done for others since the incident, the dire nightmare she knowingly lived and fed into existence. Hell, she hadn't even bothered to help herself, why else would she be homeless? But would she tell anyone this fact? No. It was hardly fair for her to complain to the people she'd hurt and Mal believed she deserved to be where she was, in the cold, dark outdoors of grimy, wet London.
Though her head was destroying her in this place. Could she sit here and knowingly think herself into death's gnarled hands? Perhaps not. Maybe Mal was even considering change. Wouldn't that be something odd in her recent character development? But maybe that's what she needed, she needed to move and be some place other than here. As much as she didn't want to think about it, the Doctor- any incarnation- would be able to visit her in this very location if they pleased. It wasn't like she moved much in three weeks. Who knew, maybe she'd even cleanse her desperate feelings of bitter agony and loneliness by getting away, vanishing. Ha, yeah right.
But she rose, standing on skinny legs that wobbled traitorously beneath her. Mal finally took the first step forward in a long time. The soft click of her sneakers on stone sounded louder than appropriate thanks to the echoing ricochets, it almost sounded daunting to her aged ears. The troubled woman shook her head as she kept walking and walking, exiting her living quarters with a slouch to her back.
Could I do it? Could I leave them all behind? No one would miss me anyway. How could they? I've done so much, taken so much... they'd be better off without me.
She kept walking, her depressing reassurance acted as a fuel to her mind that was turning its gears and hoping to reach a decision; but with each step towards a choice she took two stumbling back. What was one of these terrible obstacles? Her son.
In her years, she had been apart from her dear boy for just shy of ten years. For him it would have only been two. Even so, how could Mal willingly leave her precious Luci when she had promised him, sworn to her very soul, that she would return. Mal was suppose to go back and take that child into her arms and love him and care for him and give him everything her own parents failed to give her. She was meant to be a real mother, the thing she was once afraid of becoming and failing at. Upon thinking of things like this, that familiar hole in her heart opened up and wrenched in an agonizing manner. Mal had been cheated of so much but had lived too long in anger. Perhaps now was the time to forgive, forget, and be the parent her dear son so painfully deserved. He never asked to be born into this world but that was no excuse. Mal should brush aside her self pity and show her son there is so much more than his mother knew to the world- the worlds, really. The next obstacle was her dearest friends: Robin and the Doctor.
Poor Robin. The small, innocent child whom Mal put a bullet through. Well, actually, this was one of the reason she figured it would be best to leave. The shame laid heavily on her shoulders for her previous actions. How could she look that child in the eye like everything was okay? "It's fine, it wasn't you." the once bright red haired girl reassured. But it just didn't feel the same. Maybe Mal wanted to stay because it was nice to see some sympathy shot her way... well, actually again, Robin showed more pity than anything.
Next was the Doctor, the ninth one to be exact. Oh, how much had he done for her? How much more would he willingly do? Much, that was the answer. That man, as infuriating as he had been at the beginning of their relationship, had turned into something far beyond Mal's wildest imaginations. She never thought it was possible to get so close to someone, become so fond to the point of tearing down your walls to expose raw self. Each could say the same, that was for sure. The stupid, big eared, leather wearing dunce had come around a few times in need of something Mal achingly hoped she was able to give him. He deserved that and plenty more. But did he really need her now? Mal couldn't give him anything, not any more. He said he wanted to be there for her, to never let her out of his sight, and yet she often found herself alone. Perhaps that was for the best since all she'd ever do from this point on was hurt him.
Before she knew it, she was stopped in the rural area of London. It wasn't far now, her destination. It took a quick count of the packed homes before she spotted the opening: another alley. Looking both ways, Mal didn't hesitate to slip in when the reassurance that the coast was clear came to her. She meandered around piled trash and questionable furnishings until she came about a yellow painted dumpster. Her hand skimmed behind it until she felt the crack in the wall. Fishing around a moment longer, she finally snatched onto cold leather, pausing before pulling out the wrist device. That ugly scar scratched into it's strap 'Run.' mocked her so. But that wasn't the point of coming here, the point of collecting what she wanted to forget. No, she needed to find a reason to leave.
Placing and adjusting the vortex manipulator on her wrist, Mal plugged in a time, a destination's coordinates she knew like the back of her hand, and pressed down on the awaiting button. A small gasp left her lips as she travelled through the vortex, the memories of her past intentions the trip awakened caused the nausea that swirled in her belly. But now wasn't the time to feel sick, to chicken out and go back, she had to do this.
Hopefelt, the familiar area outside of the great UK city itself brought sadness to hang over Mal. This was where the orphanage was, this was where her abandonment laid and marked the true beginning of her heartless actions. She took in a deep, ragged breath in an attempt to stable her rampant nerves. She had become quite good at that, actually. Finally, she took a step forward towards the large building but stopped. Would he be inside? Even if he was how was she to just simply walk in there without being recognized and questioned?
Shaking her head and thinking twice, Mal changed her path and headed for the park. There was a vast forest there and if there was one thing she knew, it was Luci and his likes. If he was allowed, that boy would never leave an area full of climbing opportunities. He loved it... and so, hoping with her fingers crossed, Mal would go in search of him. It was risky, yes, but she would do it anyway.
Soon she heard the faint murmurs of voices, the haunted sounds of people from her shadowed past and scrambled present. Though the words were unheard the voices drifted across the gentle breeze and registered as Lucius' and the Doctor's. Funny, that, how two out of her few important people would be in the same place. She didn't even know the Doctor knew where Luci was...
She crept closer, increasingly becoming paranoid that one of them would hear or just simply know the troubled brunette was lingering in their presence. That wouldn't be anything knew; people tended to know where she'd be- at least they use to- before she was even there. It use to trouble her, then came as a comfort, and now it was something she missed dearly.
Mal ducked behind each tree until she was close enough to hear the two banter. Her heart was on overload, her ears roared as blood pumped through them in her dreaded excitement. She could hardly believe she was here, doing this, listening, so close yet so far away since she was unable to reach out and exclaim "I'm here! I'm back!" That would be unfair for them, for herself, for her mental state, and her current decision she was still mulling over. So she leant against the birch, head tilted and eyes closed.
"How many times do I have ta tell ya? If ya don't want a stomach ache then don't eat so much candy. Blimey, you'd think you would learn. All you apes are the same, aren't ya? Goin' around and repeating the same actions that give the same results and then ya go an blab about it like the outcome isn't suppose ta be expected."
"But I like candy. You would too if you'd just try some."
"No. Do ya think I just talk to hear myself? Do ya not listen to a word I say? What are you doing? Stop."
"Just eat the jelly baby! Hey, give that back!"
"You shoulda thought about the consequences before sticking that thing in my face."
Mal started to shake her head, wiping furiously at the trail of tears she wasn't aware she had created. The woman pushed herself from the tree and hurriedly retreated. She couldn't stop the flow of salty fluid as she heaved, as she came to her conclusion and ultimately her decision. The Doctor was there for her boy, perhaps always had been, and they didn't need her as she was when they had each other. Mal couldn't even compare to that double hearted man and, even though the two hardly knew each other and the Doctor gave Luci that irritated lilt, she didn't think it would be fair of her to step in. She couldn't give Luci what he needed, not any more, who was she kidding? The two males sounded like they were good for one another and for now that would be enough.
So she would leave. She had to. She had to because the shame was too heavy, the shame of what she'd done . She had to because the blood forever stained on her hands taunted her and created self hatred. She had to because if she didn't she'd never be able to become a better parent for her beloved child, not if she sat in that blasted alleyway for days in and out. She had to because a second too long in this place could very well suffocate her if she didn't. She had to because guilt was nipping at the back of her heels and the brunette was far too selfish to let it get her. She just had to vanish.
Funny, how cliché was that? Mal vanishes and no one knows her whereabouts. This situation was the same, no doubt, as the one in her distant past, but she hardly thought the Doctor would know. How could he? He wasn't aware Mal had kept the atrocious device on her wrist, he thought it was as good as gone since that was what the girl had begrudgingly told him; she told him she had gotten rid of it. In a way, that's what it was suppose to like, stashing it away... but how could she give up something so disgustingly twisted into the threads of her life? That was hardly the point, however, and she was only sorry that the actual point had to be so painful for everyone. The Doctor would probably thing she had hidden or died. Either would quite possibly hurt his feelings but it was a sacrifice she had to make if she were to find her life once more.
Mal wasn't sure where to go but one thing was for sure, it wouldn't be Earth and she dare not come back until she was the woman everyone deserved to know, until she had buried her wrongdoings and forgiven herself, and until everything in her damned life felt as right as it could. She needed this recovery and it all started with a flash of the vortex.
Sat Jun 12, 2021 1:03 am by 
Subject: The Vanishing Act 
