Rage, Rage, Against the Dying of the Light

Mal felt exposed and trapped at the same time as the Doctor held her hands over his hearts. She looked at him with a sense of vulnerability before scowling at his stubbornness. "No. You've done enough by keeping people away from me. Honestly, I thought while you were busy with that I would be able to slip away from your notice. Guess not. I don't want you around me, don't take that the wrong way. If I didn't think I was doing the right thing by staying away from everyone then I'd still be with my Doctor, allowing him to help... allowing him to actually see his kid. But I had to leave, because if he didn't die.. my- our son would. Everyone I love who sticks around me dies. Er, will die. At some point because of me... and I'll be damned if you're my first."

Despite her want of him to get into that blue box and fade away, her fingers curled around the leather underhand. She blinked and closed her eyes, straining to hear a delusional whisper but she couldn't pick up any of the words. With a heavy sigh she looked up at him again. "You have enough on your plate, enough people to worry about, so stop adding me to that list. If you should worry about anything it's your life. Or finding someone to be there for you. It's not me. It can't be. Well, I wanted it to be for a while but that's not very realistic. You being here, coming to me with your problems... it means you trust me, doesn't it? But you need someone else. Not me."

Mal pushed up on him, managing to get into a sitting position, and tried not to pass out or throw up due to the dizzy spell that hit. After it settled she looked at him and started to shake her head, whispering, "Please, you don't have to think about this either. Just get up and go. That's what I want. I want you to leave me. It's the best way you can help me and yourself. Because if you leave I'll have a peaceful mind knowing nothing happens today..." Well, to say it would be peaceful was a lie but at least his absence would reassure her she is still compassionate enough, sane enough, not to take a life.

"Doctor.." Her tone was tired and did not display the warning note she wished to speak with. In her frustration she scrubbed her hands frantically up and down her face. "I can't. I can't, I can't, I cant, and I won't." He settled in his chair and Mal started to rock lightly, feeling increasingly agitated, not to mention desperate for this situation to pass. She didn't look at him, just watched his foot bob as she rocked her body, holding herself once more. The silence went on and on, almost as taunting as the constant buzz in her head. It was like a promise, a promise that everything she knew would end. All she would be left with was the silence. It caused her to swallow down heavily and glance towards the bedroom door where her child was peacefully sleeping, innocent.

The longer they sat like that, the more Mal began to move around, twitch, adjust her clothing and her hair. Her face made a transformation, going from sad to increasingly desperate, further still to agitation and finally anger. She felt cheated by life. How hard she use to work to become something, only to have life make her no one. And then, when Mal wanted to be no one life worked it's hardest to make her a someone. And not a someone she ever wanted to be...

If he doesn't leave, he's going to die. Mal, you don't want that to happen, do you? Tell him a lie. Tell him the truth. It doesn't matter, tell him something. Or... you could show him.

The whisper played in her ear, caused her to jerk her head away as if someone's hot breath washed over her face. Mal jumped up from the couch and rubbed at her ear like it had offended her. She began to shout at the Doctor, looking bewildered. "You idiot! I don't know if it's curiosity or what that makes you stay, but you gotta go. Things would be a lot less painful if you just went! Scram! Get out of here. Are you deaf? Have a learning deficit? What? What is it? Listen to me. Damn it, Doc. Just listen. Get! Out!"

She had moved away, went into the kitchen and grabbed at the plates and pots she could find, starting to throw them at him much like she had back on his TARDIS, the day she was shot with Delirium. But this time her desperation for him to leave was far greater, the buzz in her veins more intense of violent energy. The tears she was suppressing were freely falling as she hurled plate after plate. The majority of them missed and shattered upon colliding with the wall or floor.

Mal struggled against him, fought him as he restrained her arms. Her body twisted and pulled away but never broke free, being too weak to complete that task. "No! No! Damn you! Let me go you... you..." Her shouts died down into a whimper as she was pulled into a hug. She tried again to jerk free but couldn't so gave up, the moment she did so obvious by the way she sagged. She wanted to cry more than anything in her frustration but the tears from before seemingly just vanished, leaving her to her own abandon. So she stared blankly at the TARDIS sitting in the middle of her living area. His words were answered with silence.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps on concrete were thumping past the door next to the kitchen counter. It opened an a larger man, both in height and weight, entered the area with a black case in his hand. At the sight before him he stopped and stared on with shock, "Okay... that's new." According to their position, the man wasn't a threat so the large man didn't feel the need to get violent. He set the case down on the table and brushed a hand over his black beard. "And who're you? My name's Greg." He'd offer a hand but the other man was preoccupied.

Mal heard Greg but simply decided to ignore him. She knew why he was here and grimaced. Though this could be seen as an escape from this... though Mal didn't exactly want to wake up to see the Doctor was still here.

Greg nodded his head in greeting before looking at Mal, lowering his head to star with hooded eyes as he gaged her emotional and mental state. Her eyes were oddly vacant which didn't match how she normally was at this time. As soon as Greg had heard something breaking he went to search for the black case and take care of Mal the way he could, the way she had told him to. He rubbed his hands together and straightened, listening to the Doctor's question but it took him a while to look at the other man. "I'm just coming to help like I do every night. That would be a better question for me to ask considering you're in my house." Greg shrugged and smirked lightly at the man, moving away from that topic to toss out his observation. "I don't know why she's like this but it's loads calmer than most nights."

Mal just stared at Greg and blinked. What would be the best way? Probably to fake a break down, it wasn't hard to do since she'd had a real one so many times. Hell, she wouldn't even be embarrassed. Maybe how heavily she relied on the tranquillizer wasn't a good thing, but it was easy. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here. I'm standing right here. I'm literally... standing... here..."

Greg rubbed the back of his head and sighed. "Right. Sorry. You look better tonight."

"It's worse. You have a bad security system." Mal said this while glancing up at the Doctor, shifting her weight so she was subconsciously leaning away from him.

"Hey, I don't put up cameras. That's just creepy. Plus it's near impossible for anyone to get in here considering I came through the only door."

Mal honestly didn't see how she calmed him down at all. She was rubbish at comforting people and she hardly doubted she ever got through to him if she tried to quell his anger or sadness. He was probably just covering it up as they spoke with his daft smile and false cheer. Mal probably wasn't one to be judging or pointing an accusatory finger at the Doctor for it, she'd do a lot to be happy. Though that would require verging from her set path. That was about as simple as steering a train from its tracks.

Greg scratched his head and looked at the case, glanced at Mal, then settled his brown eyes on the Doctor. "Right, yeah. I figured it'd just make it easier for the lot of us. I'm no medic though... Wasn't aware of the psychological effects." He was surprised the man put it together. Either he knew Mal rather well or he was just very observant and good at pulling small threads into a full piece of material. "I guess I'll be off. Shout if you need me. The usual." He grabbed the case and began to move towards the door.

"No! Shut up, I make my own choices." She was angry again, the fire blazing in her eyes as she shoved the Doctor away as best she could. Free, she advanced on Greg and snatched at the case though the larger man refused to let it go. "Give it to me, you swine!" It refused to be pried from Greg's hands so she gave up, pacing quickly away as she let out a choked sob. She'd never felt so desperate and pathetic in her life.

She swore at the Doctor, fought with him each step and even still when she was forced to sit. Greg pressed his lips into a tight line as he retreated out of the basement, leaving them to hopefully settle things out on their own. When the fight between the two obviously wasn't going to tilt in Mal's favour she stopped her kicking and strings of cussing, instead glaring up at the Doctor though he wasn't even the one she was angry at, he was just a scapegoat. "You don't think I've ever focused? Screw you! What do you know? I focused on a lot of things in my life, only now do they seem so pointless and worthless. I always do the wrong thing no matter how hard I try to do right. Screw you, life! Never telling me there were rules to follow." She paused then, eyes narrowing, "I'd be dead if I didn't have him to take care of. I would have saved all of you the trouble if he was never born. But because I have a maternal duty... I have to remain in existence. I've been cheated and, yet again, saved without knowing why the hell life keeps me breathing."

Mal struggled against him then, managing to free a hand so she could smack it against his chest in an attempt to get him to back off. She wound up and went at it again, shoving at his jaw this time, "Blame others? I hardly blamed others! It was fate I've always hated. The way things played out have always been crap, I've been dealt crappy hands and expected to gamble!" She stopped the violence again, pulling her feet up from the ground to hug her knees. "I'm running for as long as I can.... but I never was very fast."

Her arms felt bruised, probably with all the commotion that had been going on. It didn't help that the Doctor was squeezing her arm in a vice grip still. Her eyes closed and she willed her mind to shut off for the night. It didn't matter if he was still here any more, as long as she could stop the intense streams of emotion flowing through her. Tears were pricking her eyes again and instead of crying like she normally would she growled in frustration. Damn this....

"Of course I've thought about it... hence Greg. Who you sent away may I add." Mal wished her voice didn't sound as accusatory as it did. She exhaled through her nose noisily as his forehead touched hers. In a way, she knew what he meant when he said he could help. That in itself was tempting. But what if he looked in her head? Mal wouldn't be able to deal with it, she just wouldn't be able to. Well, she was afraid of what the Doctor would do if he saw it all. Saw the corpses, heard the voices, witnessed what she did when her own hand pulled the trigger to ensure Robin's death. She shivered as she recalled it all, opening her eyes to look at the Doctor as he moved away so her mind's eye wasn't prominent.

"What would you do? How could you help?"

"You wouldn't look at anything?" She whispered, peaking out at him and contemplating the option of forgetting. But wouldn't it come anyway? Her future? Everything made it sound fixed, she even had evidence running through her head. But if he allowed her to sleep at a certain time it would ensure an escape for at least eight hours a day. Was it possible that was enough to keep some shred of sanity?

Both options would requite her to trust him with something as valuable as her mind. She was sure his head was worse but that didn't mean she wanted the Doctor poking round at those disgusting images running rampant in her brain. "If I let you help... will you find some yourself?"

"All of them." Mal said this in an attempt to jest but it came out very serious, she wouldn't even smile to show she was joking. Apparently that was exactly what she had meant. But not being in pain was a bonus so with an almost reluctant sigh she simply began to shake her head. "Just do it. And don't worry." Remembering what it was like entering Sonya's mind with Theta, the tenth incarnation and so forth, Mal started shutting things behind doors, marking the particular things she wanted locked away with a black "x" on them. Soon enough they'd be nothing and she would be free to raise a kid and smile. She still didn't want to come out of hiding but at least everything would be bearable. Or at least hopefully so.

Her eyes slowly opened, she felt dazed and confused. The Doctor wasn't the first thing she looked at, instead she observed their location and furrowed her brows as she tried to recall why they weren't in her apartment. Finally she turned to the Doctor and cleared her throat. "Oh, hi. Sorry, what were we talking about? I think I fell asleep. That's embarrassing. Not the first time it would have happened, honestly. I can recall at least two other times. Except you didn't notice. And I didn't mention it." A sly grin spread on her face and she even blushed at the admission. "But maybe I should have kept that to myself...."

"Oh!... dang, right, I'm older now, right. Wow, sorry, sudden thought... I have a son. Weird. I think I was dreaming or something... feels weird."

Mal rolled her eyes at the mention of him waiting for her to wake. Of course he would and then normally he would just pick up right where he left off. But she threw her arm around him and patted his back almost awkwardly. "Right yeah, sleeping might be a good thing. Just might be. Don't be a stranger. Or do, I don't know. What I'm trying to say is try not to die. And try not to kill Robin. I sort of like the two of you." She snorted at that and rose from her seat, glancing at the door to her room and then back at the Time Lord. "Alright, I guess you'll be out and so will I. Tired anyway... see ya later." She gave a mock solute before spinning on her heel and walking toward the door. Hesitating, she turned back around to watch him leave, always finding it amusing to watch the TARDIS appear and disappear just as easily.

Chuckling lightly, the Doctor walked over to the TARDIS and pushed the door open, glancing over his shoulder again at Mal, flashing her his usual bright smile before disappearing inside and shutting the door behind him. Striding towards the controls, he began fiddling with them, not really setting a destination, just wanting to get moving like usual. It wouldn't be long before Robin woke up and demanded to go somewhere, he'd let her decide for once. Besides, he needed to find something else to distract himself from the dark thoughts that began to surface in his mind again. Fixing the TARDIS would be a good idea, something to focus on before his new companion woke up. Reaching over, he pulled the lever next to him and sent the TARDIS flying into the vortex once more.

With a soft groaning noise that steadily grew louder, the TARDIS began to vanish from Mal's basement, a slight wind blew across the floor towards her as it finally left, a faint sound of it's high-pitched humming echoing in the space then leaving her alone with her son once again.